The Midget Story!

By my cousin, 
Chip Arpin

(Time frame: late 1950's - early 1960's)

Well, This might be as good a time as any to try my best at one of my favorite Gonka stories. I wish that we had a tape recording though! 

Gonka was a fast driver...there is no other way to put that. his typical speed, by HIS estimation was always 60-65 mph. This was a very rough estimation, to put it mildly! He once bought a car that had a very loud buzzer alarm would go off every time the driver exceeded 70 or so mph...and the alarm was constantly buzzing away. Gonk had an amazing ability to completely ignore such tones...along with certain voices...like my poor Grandmother's. The alarm would make her almost as nervous as Gonka's driving, and she was really letting him know about it too! But to no avail....his response was "OH, Good LORD, they're just crazy to think you can hurt a car by driving it!" Then, he would continue on, passing people left and right, with the alarm and "Ammama" as we called her, both letting him have it "with both barrels" as Gonk would say. We were all glad when he had the alarm removed. 

Well before alarms were invented, Gonka had a fair amount of business to attend to in northern Wisconsin, near the Flambeau Flowage and further north toward the Minnesota and Upper-Michigan borders. Gonk did a great deal of driving; thousands of hair-raising miles and not a single fatality, that we know of??

The old gentleman had an amazing capacity to down-play even the closest of close calls with a shrug and an "OH boys, what are you screaming about? I saw him the whole time". This, after another near head-on collision passing a "d___ farmer" with the audacity to go less than 70 miles an hour! The car coming the other way would somehow find a way to stop or get off the road in time for us to miss colliding head on. Gonk was so casual about these occurrences that we started to think of him as a sort of real Mr. Magoo with slightly better vision. We loved being with him so much though, that we never hesitated the chance to jump in his back seat for a second.

We were not along for the infamous "midget incident" however and have to take Gonk's version of what happened, which I believe to be absolutely true (within reason). Gonka was on one of his "business trips" up north and was travelling...oh...60-65 miles an hour along an old fashioned highway, which was no doubt very narrow, by today's standards. It was also very hilly country. As the story goes, Gonk came up over one of those hills to find a little truck at a dead stop right in the middle of the road! His thought at the time was that it "must have been a bunch of farmers looking at a bear", for some reason. Well there was no time to stop and no room to go around them, so his only option was to speed up (one of his favorites) and try to go OVER them! There must have been a little incline right before their vehicle and if anyone could make a car fly, it was Gonk. And he almost made it, too. Except that he ended up coming down right on top of those "poor farmers" and flattening that truck like a pancake!

As usual, Gonk was unhurt, and apparently unfazed by this unfortunate turn of events, so he got out of his car and climbed down off the wreckage to survey the damages. His first thought was "There can't POSSIBLY be anyone alive in there"! He always said that SO matter of factly that it really floored the listener! The truck was completely crushed, nearly right down to the pavement. Gonk was pondering his options, probably wondering how in the world he was ever going to get his car off that wreck and get back on the road....when lo and behold a pair of arms reach out of the window of the truck. The hands at the end of those arms were holding, of all things, a baby! A live baby too. In fact it was a live baby midget! and after Gonk took the baby, then another child was handed out, and yet another. Then the mother got out, then the father...when it was over, it turned out to be an ENTIRE FAMILY of MIDGETS! "That's the only people who could POSSIBLY have survived that accident"! Gonk shook his head and laughed in amazement. We have never seen the "official police version" of this little episode, but suspect the 60-65 part of it may have been altered slightly.

Gonk also never did say what that little maneuver cost him, but I'm willing to bet that little family was driving a brand new truck on future bear watching expeditions.

Old but Flexible

(I have kept copies of some of my old letters.  It's pretty easy to do that now with email.  This was written last summer to my sister, Marianne, when we got our kitchen redone.)

Hey Mair,

Wahoo!  You got your purse back, just like Daddy that time in Quebec when the robbers got his wallet (although you still don't have your wallet).  I know you were upset over losing your goodie pouch, your special notebook and your journal!  

I have had no access to my computer for over a day because they moved everything out of the kitchen (again) to put the new flooring down.  They finally finished tonight at 7:15!  I was about to chew my arm off!  I took pictures, but was too pooped to post at that point.  It looks beautiful and even though the wood is only 3/8 of an inch thick, Frank and I both feel taller in the kitchen. 

I went to the mall on Saturday and tried on some clothes and bought a dress for Adam's wedding.  I was home for about 3 hours when I realized I had my pants on backwards!  This just shows you how adaptable I am.  I really am quite flexible in all kinds of new situations.  Although I found it difficult and a little annoying to sit down, I just accepted it.  Little things don't bother me much.  It wasn't until I tried to stuff a Kleenex in my pocket that things became intolerable and I had to search out the cause of the problem. 

  

Then it hit me -- for 3 hours Frank hadn't noticed that I had my pants on backwards.  Would he have let me go to church like that??  (I would certainly notice if he had his pants on backwards!)  He is very laid back and I have noticed that as we get older, both of us just do whatever is the easiest thing.  Do you remember that "Cosby Show" episode where Cliff's dad sat on his own hat and the grandmother saw it but didn't say anything about it?  That 's the kind of people we are now.

Love You, Chris

Sweet Dreams for Gonka

(Date: 1970's)

Gonk had many criteria that perspective hotels would have to meet, before we actually unpacked our bags. The beds were the highest priority....firm, but not "hard as a bankers heart"! the place also had to have some kind of fresh air....not that crazy "Chinese BLOWER HEAT" (central heating)! that was death itself. So if there was no window to open, he would sometimes prop open the door to the outside a crack, using a chair or whatever he could find. He could get pretty creative with his fresh-air systems. 

Humidity was also very important in order for the sleeping environment to be truly "high-grade". He would often run very hot water in the tub for the steam and heat it would create....especially if it was the middle of winter and he had the outside door open.

I will never forget the time we had found a particularly first class Days Inn around Southern Indiana. Gonk had all of his systems running smoothly and the beds were VERY high grade (I think he may also have consumed the correct medicinal dosage of very mild brandy before bed.)(Doctor's orders). He was up every 40-50 minutes adjusting the crack in the door, and the water in the tub, along with his own fluid levels...this was pretty normal. After about the fifth or sixth "correction" at about 3:25am, he said to me in what seemed like a booming voice...."Chip!...I'M SLEEPING VERY WELL....VERY WELL"!

Neither of us ever forgot that fine establishment, or that night! I think knowing Gonk truly made a Christian out of a lot of people.

I love and miss him still.

Undivided Attention

Hanging Out With Gonka
By Chip Arpin

Maggie Blair and Adam Garland
in front of Gonka's house in 1998

The Fourth of July always reminds me of Gonka and his front porch.  He lived right across the street from Riverside Park in Neenah, Wisconsin, on Lake Winnebago, where all the 4th of July festivities took place. Gonka was very patriotic of course, and would be proudly displaying the flag...while sitting on his rocker looking out on the park. We would go and have a piece of watermelon rhubarb, or some such seasonal treat while listening to his adventurous tales. 

For some reason, memories of Gonka and his house are very vivid for me. I think this may be partly true because he was SO "present" that when I was with him I became more so myself. When you are out in nature, fishing, and especially hunting you have to be intensely aware....if you want to be successful...or in some cases stay alive! Gonk spent so much time like this that I think he developed this "quality of attention" most all the time. I think he just took it for granted, like everyone had it. Otherwise he would have invented a pet name for it. When I was with Gonk, I always felt like I was "basking" in his full attention. For this I will always be grateful.

Meals with Gonka

By my cousin, Chip Arpin

Let's look at a little bit more of Gonk’s funny dinner time sayings. When presented with pork or ham for dinner he would ask if it had been "blessed by the Rabbi". He was't Jewish or anything; he just like to say that.  But if he did eat something that gave him a little "touch of the pip" he could fix most anything with a good dose of "rough-on-rats", his special recipe. This was brandy ("mild brandy" of course) lemon, and honey (water optional).  Heat to desired temperature for the season. This cured many an ailment for Gonk...especially if enough brandy was in the equation!

Of course he also had some funny things to say about restaurants. My favorite was when he was served a bad steak...he would say..."I think if we call the vet we can still save this one"! Or finish up "Mr. Chippelheimer, that'll put hair on yer chest"!  If he ever saw anyone in real trouble, like someone trying to change a flat tire in the pouring rain, or getting a speeding ticket, his favorite saying for this was "That'll make a Christian out of him"!

Gonka in WWI

"High Barometer"!

Traveling With Gonka
By my cousin,Chip Arpin

It was quite a TRIP to travel with Gonka. I was his official driver down south every winter. We expected to leave Wisconsin for Montgomery, Alabama, sometime after Christmas, but the actual day and hour depended on several important factors. Most important of these was the reading on the all-powerful...BAROMETER! We all learned to go into full alert at Gonka's forceful declaration of "HIGH BAROMETER"! This meant that the skies would be clear long enough for us to make our getaway.... provided of course that we left RIGHT NOW!   For such a kind, wise, and loving old gent, Gonka could get a little hyper at times.... especially during High Barometer periods! Of course he also got a bit edgy on certain occasions once we hit the road as well.

Once we left, it was important for the driver to obey the navigator down to the letter (driver = me......navigator commander in chief = Gonka!) "I usually take this route out of town" was translated by the smart driver as "Take this route out of town!!" If you didn't, and got stopped by a train, you were in for a long and tense wait!!  Now it was also important to drive the correct speed...not fast enough to get a ticket or an accident, but faster than everyone else!!....especially "those d___ trucks!!" Nothing upset Gonka more than diving in the "truck lane" (translation: the right lane) except of course actually getting PASSED by a truck. This was a very grave sin and could be punished in any number of ways, but was sure to earn his highest form of disrespect...the dreaded pronouncement: "This beats walkin’...but NOT BY MUCH!!!" Getting passed by too many cars, or a truck, or waiting for a train...getting caught in traffic.... especially after taking the wrong (not his) route, could all earn this bitter pronouncement.

I remember being in the right lane in heavy traffic once and FEELING Gonka's blood gradually coming to a full boil. What he didn’t know was that there was an exit on the right coming up and I needed to be in the right lane early due to all the traffic. It was hard to explain all these details to Gonka due to hearing and impatience problems. I really think he heard MUCH better if you were telling him what he wanted to hear.... but I digress. After about a mile of this right lane business Gonka just couldn't take getting passed by one more of those d___ trucks so he hit me on the leg and was commencing to chew me out good just as our exit finally came up. When he realized why I was in the truck lane I could tell he felt kinda bad...although he didn't really say so...he didn't have to. We were really connected that way. However, if he were driving, he would have just stayed in the passing lane until the exit came up, and then exited anyway with the expectation that everyone else get the heck out of his way! If they didn't it was probably because:

A) They were a bunch of farmers or worse yet midgets (please don’t let me forget the infamous midget story) or

B) They were just out driving around "looking for an accident".

Next I am going to go into the sacred process of picking a hotel, and the curious dance that would occur between check in and check out!

My Grandfather, "Gonka"

Remembering Gonka

“The Old Gent”

This writing about our grandfather is by my cousin, Chip Arpin.   Chip and Gonka have the same name: Edmund P. Arpin.  Gonka is the II and Chip is the IV.  Gonka was a WWI veteran and was called "The Old Gent" because he almost always wore a coat (usually red plaid) and tie.  For some reason, he called the red plaid coat his "maternity jacket"!  

Gonka (in the back) with our cousins:
John, Lisa, Chip, and JoAnn Arpin about 1966

Gonka and Chris (me) 1970

My baby, Janet Garland Caponi, in the sink, 
with her grandmother, Helen Till,
and great-grandfather, Gonka, in 1978.
Gonka called washing babies "squaw work".

Vocabulary

Gonka had funny names for everything.  His overnight bag was his "turkey".  His favorite exclamation for soup was "nourishing, very nourishing".  Every time he saw a child swimming it was, "swims just like a little pollywog". When he'd get caught off guard it would be "whoof.... that’s a joke on me"! You had to be sure to get up on time for the latest excursion or you would be sure to be "nothin' but a lazy lunker" or maybe even a "highbinder"! Anything that was well made, usually made in this country, was considered "high grade"... unless it was a firearm... like a German Luger...or a German automobile.  In these rare cases something could even be deemed...."VERY high grade". It was most important to use "high grade" motor oil in a "very high grade" automobile.  But be very careful when fishing, never to use Jap line (very low grade)!

A knife was a "toad-stabber" and a $5 bill was a "toad-skin". Eggs were "hen-fruit", cereal was "brain-food" and if you boiled an egg longer than 2 minutes you "just plain CRUCIFIED it"!! (Not recommended.... especially if you expected HIM to eat it.) 

Just about every time Gonk was involved in one of his famous collisions it was either because some "farmer" didn't know how to drive, or someone else was just plain "out drivin around, lookin for an accident"! If he ever saw someone else getting a traffic ticket, the police officer was "talkin to him like a "Dutch-uncle" (very sternly). We won't talk about our dear departed grandfather's reaction to actually receiving a ticket himself!  More to follow on the subject of motor vehicles.....this will constitute a chapter with considerable "ballast"....Gonk's word for bulk (example: he would add ketchup—he called it “cat soup”— to tomato soup to add ballast.)